Annie Get Your Gun... and Run

Okay Hill, let's face it. You're going to win in Pennsylvania tonight, but by the skin of your teeth. At one point you were favored by over 20 points, and now you're averaging about 5 in the polls (most with a margin of error of plus or minus 4). Now, maybe if Obama had publicly revealed his ability to walk on water in the past six weeks, you could justify this drop. But in fact Barack has had the worst stretch of campaign thus far, concluding with his worst debate performance yet just last week. Now clearly, when your challenger is tripping over his feet but still managing to snag your voters, something is wrong. And furthermore, the math looks less promising every day. You're going to have put up some incredibly crooked numbers in ALL of the remaining contests, and ask North Carolina voters if that is going to happen. So the only chance you have is some kind of large-scale upheaval within the party at a brokered convention. But let's face it, if the party faithful all go out and elect Obama, and somehow come August your name is on the ticket, you'll be about as popular as McGovern was. Okay, that's drastic, i won't predict an electoral landslide for McBush just yet, but I think you agree that your constituency will be less than pleased to see their votes completely contradicted. So my advice Hill: shake Obama's hand, grab your rifle and your bible and head on back home to the ranch (or NY penthouse as it may be). You ran a good race, and no one will forget you as the first real competitive woman candidate for president. Maybe if you play your cards right you'll even get the Veep spot, but this isn't your year. Everyone, your party included, is exhausted with this race, and ready to start the real campaign. So please, take a seat and let your personal ambitions take a back seat to your party's ambitions. Go home, give Chelsea the biggest hug you ever have, and take a vacation because you deserve it.

Read my Lips: I'll Get it from the Defense Budget

With two candidates who are as revolutionary as ours are, I am continually disappointed in their lack of audacity (that is, in doing anything other than hoping). As all the general electoral back-and-forth occurs, the issue of money and budgeting comes up just about anytime any new idea occurs. And no one wants to be labelled a tax-and-spend Democrat, even when we're not in a Recession (definitely worthy of capitalization). So when raising taxes is out, and stretching any more out of a budget that is already unbalanced seems highly unlikely, where else is there to turn? Well why not to a defense budget that is able to crank out $341.4 million per day? Both candidates consistently have committed to a timeline for withdrawl from Iraq. So why not commit the money that is no longer needed, as it frees up to health care, education, and medicare? Just think of what even just a measley $30 million a day could do for Mississippi's education system. Maybe I'm naive, and I know that budget reallocation is no easy task, but I'm electing someone for President who I think can stand up to a challenge for that very reason. So in turn I challenge you Barackary to work on reallocation of the defense budget, and you can start by telling curious citizens on the campaign trail this plan. Don't worry about the idea's popularity- lower taxes and their sons coming home sooner generally doesn't displease too many people.

AC

So, I love my school. Not only do I get a great education, and a wonderful atmosphere, but they also offer so much more than that. In my time at UM, I've gotten to see a president, a vice-president (should be president), seven senators, the NEXT president of the United States, and arguably the best reporters from MSNBC and CNN (interestingly enough Bill O'Reilly has yet to get an invite). And of all those people I've heard speak, it was Anderson Cooper who left the greatest impression. Maybe it was the fact that he looks just as stunning in person as he does on TV. Or maybe it was the color of his eyes- like the sky on a warm May day in a Missouri field. Or maybe it was the genuine way he looked at me with them as I sat front row center. I don't know what it was, but I was riveted from the moment he opened his mouth until he ceded the microphone to Donna. I'm not sure what I expected him to talk about- the olympics maybe, or Palestine. But I certainly didn't expect to hear about the various items used to rape women in other countries, what it's like to see children starving, or what sniper fire REALLY feels like. After hearing so many accounts of the atrocities that other people experience, everything in my life seems so insignificant. If Anderson Cooper's goal in coming to college campuses was to make people want to drop everything and join the peace corps, well, it sure worked for me. There was just something about him, a man who always had everything, but was willing to give it all up, save a camera and his knapsack to trek accross Africa and show America what the rest of the world is really like. So, I figured I'd share my experience with you (whoever you may be- even if you is just me in 5 years), as while I think most in the audience on Monday were there because of his sex appeal and not his stories, my goals were legitimate, and I'm a better person for having gone. And while silly little freshman a couple rows back was deciding how best to approach him after the speech, I on the other hand was doing a mental 360: in an hour I had gone from feeling fairly educated to completely ignorant (at least on a global scale). Thank you AC, for showing me how much I have to learn. Thank you for speaking when Ethel Freeman no longer could. And thank you for breaking the silence in New Orleans, and not letting the only noise be the wind blowing over the streets filled with the tinder of peoples' former lives. Thank you AC.

Dodgeball

There's nothing more obnoxious than a high-profile, super expensive event to watch the potential next presidents of the United States dodge questions because they're too afraid to answer them. "The potential for life begins at conception," really Hill? That must be why they pay you the big bucks, to tell shit-for-brains me that the potential for life begins at conception. Aside from dodging the abortion question, that'd just downright condescending. And furthermore, while that was definitely a dodge, it's a really good thing you came back with the answer you did, although I'm not satisfied with its strength. Hillary Clinton, you stand alone as the only truly viable woman candidate for President now, or for that matter probably in the next 20 years ahead. Nancy is too old, Condi is too aquiescent (and in the wrong party), you're it Hill! So do us women proud. You are pro-choice not because "individuals must be entrusted to make this profound decision," but because only the woman carrying that child has the right to choose. You are pro-choice because you know what it is like to have extraordinarily stressful circumstances and know that no one but you knows how best to deal with them. It's too that point, where, even though your favorite thing in the world is to loose, you know it's just around the corner. You know that no matter how much spin you put on it, if you don't come out more than 10 points up in Pennsylvania next week, might as well get that butter and jam ready, cause you're toast. Any victory you could muster after that point would be the result of a large upheaval of superdelegates against the will of the people, and you can't win a general election without the support of your own party (or at least that's what everyone keeps saying about McCain). So what I'm trying to say is, in your last stint, the last few days here, campaign on what Hillary Clinton wants. Show us that you're not just a political machine, but that there is in fact a human being underneath, and she's got tits! That is my challenge to you, Hillary. In this last stretch, go all out, and show us what you're made of, let us see you bleed, and suffer through with Midol and chocolate just like the rest of us. You're a daughter, you're a wife, and I KNOW you're a mother. So make me proud, make your mother proud, and most of all, make Chelsea proud. She deserves it, and so do you.